5 Perks of Being the Guy on a Babymoon

On the way down to Queen’s Bath in Kauai

Back from Hawaii after a relaxing and thoroughly enjoyable week in Kauai, where my 7-months-pregnant wife and I rented a condo and went to a good buddy’s wedding. Babymoons make a lot of sense if your wife/girlfriend is pregnant, and if you’re anything like me, you might find a babymoon more enjoyable than a regular moon.

Here are 5 reasons why.

1) You can be lazy

If you’re the type of person who flies thousands of miles to be lazy, you’re a winner in my book and you’re going to like the babymoon.

The third trimester slightly slowed my wife’s pace and daily traveling ambition, elliptically bringing it near my own natural orbit. It’s fun to say “do you want to go back to the condo and relax?” when really, that’s all I want to do.

The condo rules. There’s a couch that overlooks the ocean in it.

2) You have a designated driver

Delicious, but let it go, man

The flipside of this is that your designated driver is your sober wife. Tread carefully! I recommend keeping the conversation simple, commenting on such things as waves, the speed of traffic (but in a patient way), and the food at the place that also served the giant drink in the pineapple. You can bring up the giant drink in the pineapple, but only once.

If you think she thinks you had too much pineapple drink, do sober things like turning the radio down or sighing.

Also, it may seem funny to get in the back instead of the front, but it’s not (yes it is).

3) Learning to relax under pressure

Everyone knows you’re on a babymoon, and the pressure to enjoy every last second of peaceful relaxation can work against your natural inclination to actually relax. Parents are generally supportive, and most interactions go something like this:

Parent (scary, foreboding expression): Ohhh, you better enjoy the rest while you can.

(A few moments pass while you nod)

Parent (trying to smile): But you’re going to love it.

Given the intensity of raising a new human without any practice, I imagine relaxing will soon be done under a fair amount of pressure. The babymoon allows you a dry run — it’s not easy to sit on a beach, watching the tropical waves crashing, thinking about that baby. (Not literally…it’s actually very easy.)

4) Spending money

There are strong societal hints that we’ll struggle to afford a baby, or at least struggle to eat at a nice restaurant and order a drink served in a giant pineapple, while staying afloat financially. The babymoon is the last time you can spend selfishly.

Enterprise, if you are reading this and wondering why I stuck with the Hyundai…it’s a fair point. Get off my blog though.

5) Buoyancy

One thing they don’t teach you in chemistry lab, but should because it’s interesting unlike those bunsons I’m not allowed to touch, is that pregnant women are awesomely buoyant. This probably sounds silly but it’s really, really fun to snorkel and swim alongside your wife and baby to be.

If the Dead Sea comes back to life and Israel, in its panic, scrambles to create an ad campaign that suggests you can still float super easily in spite of the decreased salinity, they may want to hire several hundred pregnant extras for the shot. Or use Photoshop if that’s easier. Or just an old photo come to think of it.

Anyway, can I play with the bunson burner now or what. I’m 30.

Conclusion: do the babymoon

Anytime you can call a vacation something that sounds obligatory, you go for it. I recommend Kauai and any other places that were shown in George Clooney movies.

Bonus animal note!

You know how there are ligers? Well Hawaii has peasters/roococks.

“Can somebody please tell me what I am”

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One Response to 5 Perks of Being the Guy on a Babymoon

  1. Jonah says:

    “Awesomely buoyant” is probably one of the best phrases I’ll hear this week. And I thank you.

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