(transcript from today’s podcast)
Ryan: Test, test. Test, test.
Jack: Ruff, ruff.
Ryan: OK, Jack. Another year in the books…your first full one, I suppose. Thoughts? Impressions?
Jack: Yeah, plenty, Ryan. I remember last winter, being not even an entire year old, and just feeling like things were always spinning a little out of control. You guys were new. I missed my dog family, even missed some of the crazy mutts I used to board with. But 2012 was a little different. The people and dogs seemed calmer. Weather was nicer.
Ryan: If I can cut in here for a second, it’s funny you say that, Jack. Because before you were one, I thought you were the one who was out of control.
Jack: Nah, just young, you know? Older now, wiser.
(White dog walks by outside. Pause for insane barking, then a 5-minute crate cool-down. Ryan sends some work emails.)
Ryan: Test, test.
Jack: So, Ryan, getting back to our theme here, let me turn the spotlight back on you for a sec. Big year for you, buddy. You turned 30, you guys had a kid, a cool little guy who’s starting to grow on me or so I would have you believe.
Ryan: Yeah, 30 was a bit of a trip. Milestone year, surprised all my friends by turning into a dad…
Jack: (sarcastically) “30 was a bit of a trip,” he says. Do you know how old the oldest dog who ever lived was? SEVEN! Seven years old!
Ryan: Ha ha, true, true. I shouldn’t complain.
Jack: He was ####### SEVEN!
Ryan: Ha ha, it’s a good point. I really feel like dogs should live longer.
Jack: We do, too. If I could ask evolution for two things, do you know what they’d be?
Ryan: Longer lifespan and hands?
Jack: No. Two ####### treats!
(White dog walks by, heading home. Pause for frothing, maniacal barking, followed by whimpering and a 5-minute cool down)
Ryan: Test, test.
Jack: OK, we’re back and recapping 2012, the year that was.
Ryan: Yes. As I was saying, big year in terms of milestones. Great year in terms of traveling, time with old friends, time with new friends, and becoming a dad. It was also a big year for family.
Jack: In what way?
Ryan: When I was in my late teens and 20s, Ali and my friends were the center of my world. The baby brought family back into the fray right away — it was family down there in the waiting room, family calling to visit, family flying in from California to hang out with the little guy. I got a big kick out of it.
Jack: No more trying to explain your job, you mean?
Ryan: Ha! Well, yeah, exactly. Family isn’t too interested in what Spencer said to the bartender no matter how hilarious or the Summer of Dominance competition or the two birdies…
Jack: …hashtag humblebrag, doesn’t mention the other 500 holes…
Ryan: But the baby really unites family, heir to the Looney throne and all…
Jack: Heir to your student loans…
Ryan: Those too. So I’ll remember 2012 as a big year for family and the start of our own.
Jack: I was here in 2011 but yeah, OK.
Ryan: Just mean in terms of humans. You’re the original addition if you don’t count the fish.
Jack: I know. And I don’t.
Ryan: 2012 was also a solid year for friends. Weekend in New Orleans, wedding in Hawaii, Ali’s birthday BBQ, fun weekend in NYC, 30th party at the Cape, Looney Bowl II. Between the Cape and the Looney Bowl we have a couple good excuses to get together more often than we would otherwise. Would have liked to see some friends more, but being back near Boston made it a lot easier to get in some good hang-out time.
Jack: How do you think you’re balancing friends with the new family?
Ryan: It’s an adjustment for me. 2013 will be easier in that respect.
Jack: How so?
Ryan: I’ve never really been much of a planner. Gotta ease into the idea of planning drinks and golf and hang-out time instead of just letting it come up. Historically Ali’s been the planner.
Jack: So what?
Ryan: I don’t know.
Jack: You want your wife to plan your drinks for you?
Jack: Want her to walk you and fill your water bowl in 2013?
Ryan: No. I’m saying planning is something I’ll get better at in the new year.
Jack: Just having a little fun with you.
Ryan: I know.
Jack: Tug of war?
(Pause for tug of war)
Ryan: Test, test.
Jack: You know how many treats I had in 2012?
Ryan: A lot. 500?
Jack: Not enough. Not enough treats.
Ryan: What are you talking about? We give you treats every time you a) behave, b) misbehave, or c) need something to do.
Jack: That is not how I see it. At all.
Ryan: How do you see it?
Jack: There are, like, millions of seconds in a day. And I get treats for like 100 of them.
Ryan: That’s because you eat ’em too fast.
Jack: Compared to what, a human?
Ryan: Compared to other dogs. Other dogs get a treat and they make it last for like two months. You throw them down the hatch like Kobiyashi, like someone’s timing you.
Jack: Well, maybe I’m hungry.
Ryan: Maybe. But you eat toys the same way.
Jack: Maybe I’m hungry for toys.
Ryan: You’re greedy. Those things cost money.
Jack: Don’t hold me treat-hostage, man, is all I’m saying. I get upset. Next year would be a lot more fun if I had more treats, and I’m a dog, so I can’t exactly dictate how many I get.
Ryan: Are you OK with lower-quality treats?
Jack: Have you seen the sh1t I eat?
Ryan: Ha ha, yes, I have.
Jack: Literally! Have you seen it? I literally do sometimes.
Ryan: I know you do. OK, OK, higher volume, lower quality in 2013, Jack. You have my word.
Jack: Thank you. Also, more baby pacifiers.
Ryan: #### you, not funny.
(Baby wakes up, Ryan takes 5)
Jack: Test, test.
Ryan: Let’s move to pop culture.
Jack: Pop culture recap! For dogs: I was glad to see fewer dogs in human clothes in 2012. Hope the trend continues. I also kind of got into those bone marrow things from the supermarket, especially when you stick ’em in the freezer for awhile.
Ryan: Did you notice how you were such a mutt all year?
Jack: Yeah, very funny, I’m a mutt, ha ha, never gets old.
Ryan: And not so much a detective anymore?
Jack: Yes, got it, I was a mutt.
Ryan: Because you messed up that case and got too involved with the witness who was a purebred?
Jack: Let. It. Go.
Ryan: My favorite movie of 2012…
Jack: Was Love Actually
Ryan: No that was 10 years ago, nice try though. My favorite movie of 2012…
Jack: Was Cutting Edge
Ryan: Another classic, but no. It was Moonrise Kingdom.
Jack: Why that one, is it because you love Wes Anderson and you think you’re friends with him?
Ryan: Partly because I love seeing the world through his lens and partly because nothing else blew me away or seemed as original. Batman was great, Lincoln was fun, but Moonrise Kingdom gave us the story of the year. And Bill Murray.
Jack: I have trouble with movies.
Jack: I dunno. Framerate too fast for dog vision? They look like slideshows. OK how about music in 2012. What stood out?
Ryan: My home-office playlists. Key players included Muse, King Charles, Tenacious D.
Jack: And which ones are you holding back?
Ryan: Regina Spektor, Coldplay, Imagine Dragons…Coldplay…
Ryan: And what?
Jack: About 1000 hours of house music videos on YouTube?
Ryan: True. Guilty.
Jack: Song of the year?
Ryan: Three-way tie. “Heartbeat” by JJAMZ, “39” by Tenacious D, and “Stop” by The Chain Gang of 1974.
Jack: Acceptable. Are you ashamed of Fun. and Gotye?
Ryan: Yes. And burned out.
Jack: Understood. Favorite book?
Ryan: “Swerve” by Stephen Greenblatt. The one about the 15th-century Italian book hunter whose discovery swerved Western thinking by planting seeds in the minds of those who read it. I’m at least 75% Epicurian and I didn’t even know it.
Ryan: Time to wrap this thing up. What are you looking forward to in 2013?
Jack: Cheap treats and lots of them, hopefully more dog park action, and a more mobile new guy so I can play with him more.
Ryan: Achievable goals. I like your chances.
Jack: How about you?
Ryan: Maximum time with the new-and-improved Looney family (you included) peppered with new adventures with friends. Trying my best to enjoy and appreciate it all as the time flies.
Jack: Hear, hear. I wish you well my friend and owner and I’ll be seeing you outside. Happy New Year to you, big guy. Well everybody, that wraps up our little podcast for today.
(loses interest, wanders off)
Ryan: As the mutt was saying, thank you for joining us and a special thank you to the random forces of the universe that conspired to make 2012 a memorable one. Happy New Year, amigos.